Spa-ctacular night

My perception of spas was all wrong. In my (limited) experience, I understood they made you drink water. Lots of water. Lots and lots and lots of water. Not this spa. When I arrived I was asked would I like a cup of tea or coffee ... and an apple pie!! I thought it was maybe a trick, but I said yes just in case I was wrong.

Then I was asked did I want cream. Suspicious and naive in the ways of the spa and the potions and lotions they used I asked 'what kind?'

'Whipped' came the answer. And sure enough, I was treated to a cup of tea and an apple pie with whipped cream before my treatment started.

Some time later, as I lay on the treatment bed, I was told I would first experience the holistic welcome ritual. So long as it was included in the price, I didn't really mind what I experienced. I was instructed to close my eyes and take three deep breathes, all easy enough so far.

As I let out the third deep breath the girl grabbed my head and pulled it so hard in a direction away from the rest of my body that my neck cracked. Then she did the same thing to each of my arms. If that's how they welcome paying customers, I'd hate to see how they treat people whose cheques bounce.

I was to be exfoliated first. Exfoliated sounds such a nice word until you realise that it means rubbing you down with the spa equivalent of a piece of sand paper. This is why they make you lie naked on their beds - to stop you getting up and running away mid treatment.

I had to shower to get rid of all the 'grit' (there was more on me than some council areas in England had available to spread on their roads during the big freeze) and then the mud was applied.

It was green, but it didn't smell as if it had come from the Lagan.

In the middle of this application, I took cramp in my foot. And then a fit of the giggles. Bits of me started to twitch uncontrollably as both took hold until I had to bite the inside of my cheek so hard I swear I nearly drew blood. Then suddenly a sobering thought. Stop laughing in case you fart. Not that I do fart when I laugh, but I realised this would be a terrible time for it to happen for the first time.

After the mud had been removed I had cream applied. Not whipped. As I'm getting my neck and shoulders rubbed the girl said 'you're full of knots'. I nearly fell off the bed, and then I realised she'd said knots, not nits.

Big thank you to those who bought me this fantastically luxurious present. In spite of myself, I had a lovely relaxing time, and tomorrow I will have skin that shines like an angel on a Christmas card.

Or maybe spots, as apparently sometimes happens.