Ryanair

I love the way Ryanair make you queue at the gate the minute they hear that the plane you are expecting to board has left the airport it is coming from. That's by the by.

Our outbound Ryanair flight to Bristol this weekend was crewed by Herr Flick of the Gestapo. As we boarded we were told to 'get out of ze aisles, let others past!' As we readied for take-off we were told 'no phones allowed, not even on ze plane mode!'

But the best was during the safety demonstration when he marched down from the front of the plane to tell the people behind me, who had been talking quietly, to 'be quiet! This is for ze safety!!'

Well, after that intervention, apart from lots and lots of stifled giggles, you could have heard a pin drop! Poor Eva, the stewardess from Bratislava who was doing the demo beside me, got so fussed by him she tied herself up in knots in her emergency life jacket and had to be rescued by a passing sailor.