Dear Miss ...

... Jim was off school because he caught a chill and had terrible diahorrea through a hole in his wellies

... please excuse Harry's absence from school. I've been in bed for three days with the doctor and couldn't get up to get him dressed.

... Tommy was absent with his face. He's had it a long time and the doctor says its spreading

... please excuse Sadie for not being at school last week. I've been upside down with the painters for the last three days

... I have kept Kevin off school because the doctor says he has slipped a dick

... Joanne won't be in school for a few days because she has trouble with her eye. The doctor says it's a misplaced rectum.