The dummy fluter in the back row

I am in Birmingham. I came yesterday to sing tenor at the SingLive big
band concert tonight. They only had seven of their own. In having me
there they hoped to gain another one.

I short changed them. Due to me (uncharacteristically) losing my voice
yesterday, I was only working on quarter cylinders. Unlucky for
Birmingham. I might never be allowed back. Shame, the bullring is
quite something

Sent from my iPhone

How to be a good friend

This is my daughter's recipe for friendship from her written expression classwork.

You will need:

• a friend
• smile
• happy heart

1. welcome a friend and share with them
2. be funny and be kind
3. laugh at their jokes
4. be happy with your friend
5. keep secrets

Kung Hei Fat Choi

Happy Chinese New Year. It's the year of the tiger. Funny, I thought
he had his year last year ;-)

Sent from my iPhone

French accuse the Irish of cheating

That's choice coming from the scrum half of the country that spawned
Thierry Henry

Sent from my iPhone

As seen by son

Make your Stick Figure Family at FreeFlashToys.com

Get a load of this freebie

Movie House cinemas have made an offer were Ulster Rugby Supporters will receive a free 46oz bucket of popcorn when they book tickets to see Invictus at the Moviehouse Dublin Road, Yorkgate/Cityside and Jet Centre. All you have to do is print off the Movie House voucher on the Ulster rugby website.

46oz of popcorn!! Like what, they just give you the whole popcorn machine to take in with you? That's enough to keep a family of four well fed for a week! You'd need to buy a seat beside you just to put your popcorn bucket in. Question is, will your view of the movie be obstructed by the person in fronts popcorn mountain?

For the purposes of research, I think I'm going to have to try this!

Blogger is not working, naughty blogger

I cannot post to my blogs by email from my phone. I have not been able to do it for five whole days now. I feel like my right arm has been cut off.

This is seriously effecting my efficiency in the 365 project, as I also do not know how to download photos off my iPhone. And, outlook rolled over and died on my desktop the day the technical one went to the USA, so even if I mail them to myself i can't retrieve them on the desktop.

If it continues, I may need counselling. How much Steve?

Birmingham

In light of the fact that I'm off to Birmingham at the end of the month and they've just got those new 'naked' scanners in the airport, does anyone have a number for Gok Wan?

The continuing saga of the pyjama mama

A Tesco in Cardiff has seen fit to ban shoppers who arrive wearing PJs. More power to Tesco. Even better, it doesn't say anything about receiving your Tesco delivery wearing your PJs so I'm quids in ;-)

The issue was discussed by politicians locally (because there is nothing much else going on politically here at the minute) and Sinn Fein councillor Fra McCann said people have a right to wear whatever they want when they go to Tesco.

I'll be in Tesco Falls Road tomorrow wearing my bowler hat and orange sash then.

Earthquake strikes Donegal

It has been confirmed that there have been two minor earthquakes in north County Donegal in 24 hours. The School of Cosmic Physics in Dublin said one on Tuesday night measured 1.5 on the Richter scale while another on Wednesday morning measured 1.7

The school's Thomas Blake said the tremors were "nature's way of releasing the stresses and strains built up over time in very deep faults".

Not true. It was the tremors resulting from the other half's snoring reverberating through the nine counties that did it. He has gone to Colorado. Expect avalanches.

Late thoughts

Did you know, that if a Ryanair planes crashes and you have to evacuate via the big yellow slides, you have to leave your false teeth behind? It's true.

Some women shouldn't be allowed to go to rugby matches. Specifically the ones who are only there because they have been taken on the promise of shopping and sight-seeing round the fixture. They generally turn up in faux fur coats. And sit in front of you waving flags some idiot has given them unwittingly.

Also, if you have to evacuate a Ryanair plane via the big yellow shoots, you must cut off your ears first. Actually, thats not true. It just looks like that on the safety card. Apparently, you just have to remove your earrings.

Ryanair

I love the way Ryanair make you queue at the gate the minute they hear that the plane you are expecting to board has left the airport it is coming from. That's by the by.

Our outbound Ryanair flight to Bristol this weekend was crewed by Herr Flick of the Gestapo. As we boarded we were told to 'get out of ze aisles, let others past!' As we readied for take-off we were told 'no phones allowed, not even on ze plane mode!'

But the best was during the safety demonstration when he marched down from the front of the plane to tell the people behind me, who had been talking quietly, to 'be quiet! This is for ze safety!!'

Well, after that intervention, apart from lots and lots of stifled giggles, you could have heard a pin drop! Poor Eva, the stewardess from Bratislava who was doing the demo beside me, got so fussed by him she tied herself up in knots in her emergency life jacket and had to be rescued by a passing sailor.

Another tour, another trauma

Yes, here I am in Bath. What could possibly happen? I hear you ask.
Well, it wasn't travel arrangements or weather this time.

Arrived in lovely Bath, parked up and headed downtown for some food.
Had just settled in the Cornish Pastie Co for a wee bite, and had
literally taken a wee bite when...

Me: is there something stuck in my tooth?

Dolly: screams

Turns out a good quarter of my front tooth was stuck in something, and
it wasn't my gum!

And so began the frantic phonecalls to hospitals, dentists and
emergency helplines until I eventually secured a dental appointment
with a dentist, in Bristol.

Two and a half hours and a mighty dose of anaesthetic later, I no
longer whistled my speech or looked like an extra for a hobo movie.
But I am on a strict diet of liquids only until tomorrow morning. By
which time I'm hoping my still-now-four-and-a-half-hours-later frozen
mouth will have defrosted.

And so there was a certain amount if déjà vu with all todays yo-yoing
backwards and forwards between Bristol and Bath.

If I ever suggest you join me on a rugby tour........

Sent from my iPhone

Take-over bid

The Irish are about to make a hostile bid on the West Country. 700 travelling and 300 ex-pat Ulstermen will descend on the historic city of Bath this weekend with only one thing on their minds - standing up.

They will start spilling out of planes in Bristol from lunchtime tomorrow, and start spilling into hostelries soon after! Music has been arranged and song sheets provided, and if we can't beat the locals on the pitch, we'll sure as hell out sing them!

Chemical Ali

So, it has been reported that he has been sentenced to death, again. Fourth time apparently.

I vaguely remember blogging this before and explaining the loose connection between himself and myself. I'm sure 'linked-within' will pick that up, read below!

But to get back to the point in hand, how many death sentences are they going to pass down before they actually kill the man??

BTW

... did I mention I became an auntie again this week? Twice?

If you've been following the 365 project (I'm still going strong!) you will have noted this news and also spotted my lovely new niece and my only nephew!

And now the big wind

Finally, Northern Ireland seems to have thawed out, defrosted and (slightly) warmed up. It was a balmy 7oC last night as we left for the rugby.

However, the big freeze has been replaced by the big wind. The Dolly was literally blown off her feet at Ravenhill last night, saved only by being anchored down by myself and her big cousin.

And whilst sleep was evasive last night due to rattling doors and wind lashing the windows, this morning we woke to see a tree down in the back garden. Well, let's look at the bright side, at least if we run out of oil, we can burn a fire now!

Oi'll be damned

Those of you following my essays on 'The Big Freeze of 2010' will remember in an earlier post I mentioned the fact that we had had a delivery of oil on Christmas Day and had used so much were expecting, imminently, another delivery.

Oh how naive. The oil, which was to be delivered within three days of ordering, will not now be delivered until next Monday, that's the 11th January. The 11th January ... we could all be dead by then, killed by frostbite or exposure.

The reason for this is of course increased demand putting strain on ability to make deliveries on time. On time??? Even in the same designated week would be good.

Let's play 'guess the title of Ali's next post' ........

Be prepared

Jump leads (check)
Cat litter or sand (check)
Shovel (check)
Ice scrapper (check)
Warm clothes (check)
Torch (check)
Food and water (check)
First aid kit (check)
Mobile phone (check)
Sturdy boots (check)

According to the BBC, if I fill the back seat of my car with all these items I am ready to go shopping in Tesco’s in the snow. Following yesterdays discussion on global warming, I have undertaken to seek advice for surviving in the cold. The BBC recommend that if going out in your car you should take the above list. Lets analyse.

No idea what the jump leads are for, if my car battery is dodgy I’ll not be taking it out in the first place

The cat died during the summer, so possibly I don’t need the litter, although I can’t ever remember taking the cat to Tescos anyway

The shovel is obviously for making your snowman and the icescrapper probably for getting ice to add to your martini.

Warm clothes – to wear over the sundress you decided would be appropriate to wear out in this weather.

Torch for signalling the rescue helicopter or any handsome passing policemen

Food and water, (or martini if you have an icescrapper) and First aid kit are obvious really. In these days of Health & safety gone mad, does anyone ever leave the house without them??

The Mobile phone is for updating your blog and facebook status so people know you are stranded. Ahhh … now I know why you need the jump leads – to charge up your mobile!

Sturdy boot with two inch heels as opposed to ones with four inch heels are probably a good idea right enough.

Point is, if I put all of this stuff in the car I will no longer have any space for the children, never mind the shopping. Best to get Tesco’s to deliver then.

Global warming

I am trying to remember the last time I was warm. I mean really warm, not just wrapped up in 100 layers of clothes warm. It has to have been pre Brussels.

It is freezing here. It is so freezing we have already had one set of burst pipes with resultant flooding (Boxing Day of all days) and the pipes have frozen again. As a result I have not been able to use my washing machine for over a week - that's how long the pipes out to the wash-house have been frozen solid!

Then there's the oil. We got a delivery on Christmas Eve, and another one is coming tomorrow!

Last night it was so cold here I put my thermals on under my pyjamas and my dressing gown over them before I went to bed. And an extra blanket over the duvet. I was just about warm enough cocooned in all that fabric to get to sleep.

Worst of all, Friday nights rugby has already been cancelled because of a frozen pitch, and next weeks game is even apparently looking doubtful!

So I'd like to know where this global warmng thing is happening and maybe move there. What we're experiencing would more accurately be called global freezing. Brrrrrrrr